Life or Something Like It....

I Wasn't Born This Way

2011-03-08T22:46:00.000-08:00

Lady Gaga lies.

I'm sorry you had to hear it this way, but there it is.

The truth of the matter is that we make choices every single day - choices that have shaped us into the people we are today. It's about time that we started taking responsibility for who we are.

Oh GLEE, let me count the ways. . .

2011-01-27T14:34:00.000-08:00

If you think I'm finishing that sentence with "i love thee" you're sadly mistaken.

I could count all the ways I think GLEE is actually harming our society, but for now I'll just comment on the latest story involving my least favorite show on television: http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/b222547__i_Glee__i__Creator_Ryan_Murphy___quot_F__k_You__Kings_of_Leon_quot_.html

EW.com referred to GLEE as a show that is "about not censoring who you are." Don't censor yourself if you're a nerd, a homosexual, a promiscuous teenager, the president of your school's celibacy club and pregnant by someone other than your boyfriend, not "classically beautiful," an adulterer, a liar, a dumb jock, or just "different."

On GLEE, it's okay to just be who you are. So, why doesn't GLEE creator Ryan Murphy practice what he preaches? Saying "F-you, Kings of Leon" (when the band didn't throw a party because the all great and powerful GLEE asked to use their music) showed Murphy's true colors. Only be who you are if who you are loves my show and my agenda.

Murphy goes on to reference the 7-year-old children that could have heard a GLEE club version of one of Kings of Leon's songs and how that might have turned them on to music education. The first thing wrong with this is that I sincerely PRAY that no one lets their 7-yr-old child watch a show with such adult themes. If we want our kids to be involved in music education, then we take responsibility as parents and encourage them to become involved... we don't stick them in front of a completely age-INAPPROPRIATE show and expose them to ideas, and themes, and problems that 7-year-old's shouldn't even know EXIST yet and hope that they come away from it with a love of music!....?! Am I the only one that sounds crazy to?

For Murphy being so concerned with providing children with a positive influence he was sure quick to lose his temper and use potty language. :)

Whether you're letting a 7-year-old watch this show or not- it's obvious that the show wants to dig it's claws into this generation (as young as possible) and make them the most "tolerant" generation ever. Not a loving generation that wants the best life possible for their fellow man (that wants ETERNITY for them), but a generation that says "i do what's right for me and you do what's right for you." That's not what my Bible says- it says there is ONE WAY to God- ONE WAY that's right- no one comes to the Father except through Jesus Christ. And these sins we find so entertaining are separating us and a lost world from Jesus Christ (our ONE WAY to God).

I am not entertained by watching a group of struggling youth search for truth and love and acceptance and seeing them "find" it not in Christ. It gives false hope to an already confused world. In fact, this show does less than entertain me- it breaks my heart.

http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=John+14%3A6&version=NIV

Welcome to my World

2010-05-06T20:00:00.001-07:00

a peek at my bookshelves:

30 Things About Me

2010-04-03T22:09:00.000-07:00

1. I am scared of:

anything that talks which should NOT (especially puppets)
and heights.

2. I can sleep pretty much anywhere/anytime (including a hardwood floor- which I have done before) HOWEVER, the conditions must be right

a) it can't be too quiet (tv noise is best, a loud fan will do
b) i can't be too hot (i like to be cold and have multiple blankets
c) I must have more than one pillow
however, i am not a diva and will find a way to sleep without these things if necessary

3. Although many people think that Edward Cullen has raised the bar too high for normal guys, I think it is actually Coach Taylor from Friday Night Lights that has done this... he is more realistic, but the coolest guy ever!

4. I don't care if TV rots your brain; i love it!

5. 99% of the time I wear only two types of shoes: Old Navy Flip Flops or UGGs

6. I have one pet peeve that I cannot get over-- if a show/movie has the mouths out of sync with the audio I can't watch it for even half a minute, it drives me CrAzY!

7. Hi my name is Brittany and I'm a Twilight-aholic

8. I love scary movies, but not slasher flicks - i think there is a difference.

9. I'm addicted to taking pictures.

10. Even though Lorelai thinks that Robert Pattinson is "Tee-Tee's Boyfriend" I will always love Bradley Cooper more.

11. I will always hold out hope for the return of Veronica Mars in some way (movie/4th season).

12. I think sometimes I speak in movie quotes without even realizing it.

13. I believe music means more to be than most people-- in fact, there is a constant soundtrack running in my head as I live out my life :) or something like that. I just relate music to everything I do and feel and love. It's like reading a great novel in 3.5 minutes :)

14. I LOVE concerts!

I have seen Dierks Bentley in concert twice and I don't even like him that much.
I went to see Rascal Flatts twice in the same weekend (exact same concert down to the jokes and I still loved it).
I went to see Dave Matthews in concert before I even really knew who he was.
etc, etc.

15. I am not ashamed that I spent a crazy amount of time securing tickets to see Hannah Montana in concert; I got sweet seats and it was awesome.

16. I wish I could afford a bunch of sweet wigs; have them in all different colors, styles, and lengths so each day I could just wear whichever one fit my mood.

17. Even though I love photography I still don't know what I want to "BE"; a trophy wife would be nice.

18. I think I could spend the rest of my life at the Lake of the Ozarks; I love being on the water (i even got my boating license- yay me!)

19. I think I found my love of Photography through the video game Pokemon Snap :)

20. I think I could stay in my house for a week (24/7) before I started to get antsy at all... just reading (my favorite pastime, btw), watching Lost and Smallville and Fringe and napping (my other favorite pastime, btw).

20b. I'm a homebody

21. I suck with emotional stuff; in fact I have to tell people "I feel things" to try and convince them that I do.

22. I think I'm funny; when people don't get me I'm like "what the heck? I'm hilarious!"

23. I think that if you don't have something nice to say, you should tell it to someone you trust

24. I hate talking on the phone; i avoid it at all costs (it doesn't mean I don't love you)

26. I am a VERY conservative republican and Proud of it!

27. I fell for New Kids on the Block in my 20's instead of back when they were popular- but it was one of the best concerts I ever went to :)

28. I do not believe that you should limit the number of times you flush your toilet as part of "going green" ...flush the toilet every time you use it!

29. I miss my dad everyday.

30. To sum it all up these are a few of my favorite things: Bradley Cooper, road trips, cowboys, going to movies, reading, napping, my TV shows, my family, God, writing, blogging (even if no one reads it), country music, Smallville parties, Lake of the Ozarks, photography, my niece and nephew, and fall!

I'm Just Me

2010-03-13T23:40:00.000-08:00

“The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself.”

-Neitzsche

here we are now- entertain us!

2010-03-13T23:38:00.001-08:00

i LOVE to be entertained! don't judge me :)

i see media differently than a lot of people. the other day @ church the pastor asked us to envision a masterpiece. any masterpiece. what did we see? he mentioned the Sistine Chapel and Van Gogh. i pictured the magic of the cinema. it counts! these people that make movies start out with a blank canvas just like everybody else. then they paint magic with scripts, sets, special affects... it's beautiful. i am thoroughly impressed and thoroughly entertained. and it's not just one genre; it's not just the best in CGI; it's not just my favorite actors. i appreciate such a wide range. i saw a movie the other night i didn't even like very much- but i was entertained by it- i appreciated the creativity and originality that went into it even if it wasn't something i necessarily want to see again.

so... if you want to take me on a date, I don't wanna drink wine at the opening of a new art gallery- I want a giant diet coke with lots of ice and a good movie (or not so good movie- whatever)...

dear john mayer

2009-12-03T22:36:00.000-08:00

(sing to the tune of "Who Says" by John Mayer)

the law says you can't get stoned
even in your house when you're all alone.
it's just something everybody knows:
the law says you can't get stoned.

when caught, you won't be free
it won't matter who you used to be
the drugs is all they'll see
and so much for being free.

it'll be a long night in county prison
and a long year in rehab too.
i somehow remember your lyrics being better
and now you just sound like a giant tool.

*more to come! :)

Discernment

2009-11-12T11:31:00.000-08:00

secular: not overtly or specifically religious

Did you know that was the definition of secular? If you live in the "Christian world" and speak "Christian jargon" you probably most often hear it in relation to anything that is not "Christian." If it's not Christian music, it's automatically Secular music. If it's not Christian culture, it's automatically Secular culture. Since this is the case, the term "Secular" is often given a negative connotation. However, secular does not have to equal negative. There are positive things in the "secular" part of the world. . . just because they aren't overtly or specifically religious doesn't mean that they don't have positive elements, or even strong "Christian" undertones.

I think it all comes down to discernment. Just because music isn't on Christian radio doesn't mean it's automatically inappropriate. Just because a bunch of off-key vegetables aren't singing the music your children are listening to doesn't mean Hannah Montana doesn't have a good message for a younger generation. It's not a sin to sing (or listen to people singing) about life, about love, about emotions- things that are an integral part of our existence, Christian or not.

I have a lot more to say on the matter, but I'm leaving to go shopping. I'll leave you with this. You're a grown up- have discernment. There are people out there spreading good messages through "secular" media. . . even spreading Christian messages. I'm not saying don't ere on the side of right. . . just don't snidely refer to everything beyond Veggie Tales and YES FM as inherently evil and secular.

Hey, it's OK. . .

2009-09-28T12:31:00.001-07:00

. . . to nap in the middle of the afternoon when you're 25. in fact, that's what I'm going to go do right now. *yawn*

the joy of a lesson

2009-09-27T17:14:00.000-07:00

A child's movie taught me a lesson.

When we're told the story of Jonah- it often starts with God's instruction to Jonah. . .

. . .and ends with his eventual obedience to God. However, that's not the end of the story.

In fact, I think the most important part of the story is left out. That part is this. . .

Jonah 3:10:: God saw what they had done, that they had turned away from their evil lives. He did change his mind about them. What he said he would do to them he didn't do.

Jonah 4:1-10:: Jonah was furious. He lost his temper. He yelled at God, "God! I knew it—when I was back home, I knew this was going to happen! That's why I ran off to Tarshish! I knew you were sheer grace and mercy, not easily angered, rich in love, and ready at the drop of a hat to turn your plans of punishment into a program of forgiveness!

"So, God, if you won't kill them, kill me! I'm better off dead!"

God said, "What do you have to be angry about?"

But Jonah just left. He went out of the city to the east and sat down in a sulk. He put together a makeshift shelter of leafy branches and sat there in the shade to see what would happen to the city.

God arranged for a broad-leafed tree to spring up. It grew over Jonah to cool him off and get him out of his angry sulk. Jonah was pleased and enjoyed the shade. Life was looking up.

But then God sent a worm. By dawn of the next day, the worm had bored into the shade tree and it withered away. The sun came up and God sent a hot, blistering wind from the east. The sun beat down on Jonah's head and he started to faint. He prayed to die: "I'm better off dead!"

Then God said to Jonah, "What right do you have to get angry about this shade tree?"

Jonah said, "Plenty of right. It's made me angry enough to die!"

God said, "What's this? How is it that you can change your feelings from pleasure to anger overnight about a mere shade tree that you did nothing to get? You neither planted nor watered it. It grew up one night and died the next night. So, why can't I likewise change what I feel about Nineveh from anger to pleasure, this big city of more than 120,000 childlike people who don't yet know right from wrong, to say nothing of all the innocent animals?"

Jonah obeyed God. . . that's an important part of the story, but it doesn't end there. Jonah's obedience resulted in God having compassion on the city of Ninevah rather than destroying it. This wasn't the outcome Jonah wanted or expected and so he sulked. He went up on his ledge and looked down on the city of Ninevah and stood in judgment over them- still finding them lacking and guilty after God had granted them His compassion because of their repentance.

Matthew 12:41::On Judgment Day, the Ninevites will stand up and give evidence that will condemn this generation, because when Jonah preached to them they changed their lives.

Jonah could have stopped at obedience; he could have rejoiced in how God turned his "plans of punishment into a program of forgiveness." Even with his bad attitude, God used what he did for good. . . in fact, he's used in Scripture as an example of what Jesus is for us. . .

Luke 11:30:: What Jonah was to Nineveh, the Son of Man is to this age.

We know what we have to do to be granted God's forgiveness; we have to turn from our wicked ways just as Ninevah did. . . to trust then that God will see our sincere remorse and reign down his compassion on us even though we still deserve his punishment. This is what Jonah couldn't get past- they still deserved the punishment! He couldn't wrap his mind around how God could overlook what they deserved. He was so caught up in his judgment that he failed to see the beauty in what God had just done. He took on the attitude of a young child whose parent had failed to punish a sibling correctly (according to them). Have you ever caught a child coloring on wall and responded loudly and angrily? I have. . . and it's the child that turns with immediate regret and remorse in their eyes that leaves me saying, "i'm sorry I yelled, but what you are doing is not okay. . . let's clean up this mess and i hope you'll remember to not do it ever again."

What i learned from this "child's story" is that i've been Jonah before. We struggle to fully understand how God loves and forgives so easily. To experience feelings of mercy and compassion towards those who wrong us. To accept that sins small and large can be wiped away by God with the same amount of ease- when the repentance is real. My prayer to God is that I will rejoice in the ability of God to turn plans of punishment into a program of forgiveness. . . maybe tomorrow I'll be the one needing that program of forgiveness. Help me to hold others accountable and be true to God's Word without sitting over them in judgment.

the joy of a list

2009-09-23T11:13:00.000-07:00

I am not an organized person. . . at all. my life survives on what i call "organized chaos." i suppose it's a type of organization, but it's mostly just chaos. however, i have a pension for lists! i love them. i love to scratch things out. sometimes i will even make a list at the end of the day and scratch out all the things i did- is that weird? i also like to make my lists attainable. . . so attainable that i have time to facebook/blog/search out new Twilight news/etc in between tasks :)

there is just some kind of high from going beyond knowing you accomplished something and actually seeing the task scratched out of your life. it gives me a sense of relief and pride at my organization for the day. which is odd, because if you looked at my room you would think i hate organization.

[picture= thanks to abigail for contributing to my list obsession!]

the joy of road trips

2009-09-14T19:44:00.000-07:00

"It's crazy, I know, to count on this road to give me what I need.

But with every state line, somehow I find, another part of me."

I was told today that I go on too many trips. . . is that possible? there is something kind of magical about getting out of town. it's not just the new scenery and the experience of other "cultures" - it's the mix cd's and the crappy pit stops and the windows down and the feet on the dashboard. just thinking about it gives me a feeling that not much else comes close to. and once you get where you're going - it's the sleeping in and the staying up late and the smell of honeysuckle and way the sun seems brighter and the chance to finish an entire book without interruption. it's the way snack food is a staple and the way your body continues to rock even after you come in from the boat. it's the chilly feel of the air conditioning and the cold slide of the sheets after a long day in the sun. it's leaving worries and responsibilities and cleaning and working and all my "have to's" for tomorrow. but it's not all about being "irresponsible" for a week - a trip can make you more of who you were meant to be. it gives you feelings and moments to put to song (that's where the mix cds come in) that will forever be brought to your mind whenever you hear it. it gives you a new appreciation for wind in your hair and sun on your face (things you miss on your way to work, but relish in on your car road trip). it results in new practical jokes and more quality time with the people you love.

no, i don't think i can ever go on too many trips. it might be crazy to count on the road to give me what i need, but with every state line somehow i find another part of me.

Hey, It's OK. . .

2009-09-12T21:40:00.001-07:00

. . . to see a movie that people will make fun of you for seeing. I'm not going to say I don't deserve to be made fun of for some of the movies I see- but I'm not gonna let it stop me from seeing them either. From the childish (Hannah Montana and Bandslam) to the ridiculous (Sorority Row). . . I just find movies to be fun and entertaining. Not every movie I see is worthy of my collection or of seeing more than once, but that doesn't mean it doesn't have it's place in the Tuesday night trip to the theater (that's cheap movie night here in my town). Even just in general, don't let what people think of your interests stop you from enjoying yourself (within reason, of course. . . meaning, it's okay to like the Jonas Brothers if you're in your 20's, but it's not ok to be a slutty drunk- even if you think it's fun!).

. . . to have your "splurge" be a $25 Coach knock-off. I realized the other day that back when I had more money I used to splurge. However, thinking about it, my splurge was usually a $25 Coach knock-off or a $16 pair of sunglasses or a $50 concert ticket- my "splurges" hardly ever passed the $100 mark. I never thought anything of this. . . those really were splurges for me (i do most of my shopping at Wal-Mart). But now that I think about it- I'm glad that those little things feel so big to me. Of course, now that I don't have money my splurges are $10 movie tickets, $7 lawn seats for a concert, $3 magazines, and $1 sodas at the McDonalds drive thru. :)

. . . to be a little bit set in your ways. For the most part, I'm easy going. However, being 25 and single is a point in life when you start to get a little bit set in your ways. Being away from home for a long period of time can make me a little grumpy. I start to miss my space, my shows on my tivo, free reign of my radio, my internet, my car. . . you'd think those things wouldn't be such a big deal since I don't even live by myself and most of those things I share with my brother, Jamie, and my Chelly. . . but, they are all used to me and we've all developed a lot of the same interests. I start to miss scary movie night. . . late night runs to the theater. . . annoying Jared and Jamie with all day country music videos. . . sleeping on the couch after I stay up way too late. . . letting my phone die when I'm home by myself all day so that I can just have some me time. :) It's not that I don't love vacation or that I don't feel welcome in my family's homes- it's just not MY home and I get homesick. I'm probably going to get REALLY set in my ways if I ever get my OWN house. I hope any future husband thinks my "ways" are cute or has all the same interests as me :)

Hey, it's OK. . .

2009-08-26T17:07:00.000-07:00

. . . to leave your laundry in a basket and wear things directly from said basket until your next laundry day. I know we have drawers and hangers for a reason- but sometimes I don't find it necessary to put every little thing away. there are certain clothes i wear alot. . . and after i wash them, i know i'm going to be wearing them again soon. . . so why take the time to hang them up and stuff them in with all the clothes i don't wear on a regular basis? I'm not saying you should live like this- if people are coming over or if you have accumulated 4 laundry baskets all over your room (which i have before). . . then it's time to start putting stuff away. but come on- it's ok to not always have a place for everything and everything in it's place (despite how much that's been beaten into your head)!

. . . to watch movies on TV that you own on DVD. For some reason it seems like less of a commitment to sit down and watch a movie on TV than it does to get up and put in the DVD. I mean, you weren't planning on "movie time." You have things to get done. Watching the movie on TV seems less time consuming (you can get up and do things on commercials). . . in all reality- that two hour movie has now turned into 3 and a half hours. . . and let's be honest- you only got up to do stuff on like 3 of the commercial breaks- and two out of the three were bathroom break/snack break. :)

. . . to be a texter, not a talker. I'm not saying that life doesn't require the occasional phone conversation- but you don't have to listen to the "old school" people who say texting isn't a valid form of communication either. I don't always have the time or the need for an actual conversation (which means: small talk, catching up, reason for calling, random chatter, "ok, well. . ." end to conversation). . . that's time consuming! most often i have a quick question that needs a quick answer. even making plans doesn't have to be difficult over text: "wanna c a movie 2nite? post grad shows @ fallen timbers @ 9. dinner 1st? lmk." see, that was easy.

back to work

2009-08-19T11:33:00.000-07:00

back to school = back to work for me... a nanny for a school teacher. however, today is going well. in fact, i am currently blogging from work. not everyone has the opportunity and freedom to do something like that. the two girls i babysit are both sound asleep at the moment :) kids are so cute when they sleep!

however, it took awhile to get to this point. we had morning tv time; learning time; dance time; story and craft time; lunch time; clean-up time; and THEN nap time.

it also is going to take me awhile to get back into the swing of my new schedule. i really did plan on going to bed on time last night [i mean, i had to be up at 6:15 in the a.m. and i don't even remember the last time i saw that time of day- unless you count staying up UNTIL 6:15 in the a.m. and then going to bed]. i was finishing up my new book around 11 p.m. it was the perfect time to turn in and get a solid 7 hrs of sleep [i prefer 8 or 9, but i was willing to settle for 7 in order to finish my new book]. then my brother and his fiance decided they were going to run to the store for snacks and a movie- wait, that sounds like fun... ok, i'll go. so, a slushie, some cheese filled pretzels, a few Cheetos and an hour and a half of zac efron [17 again] later- i finally made it to bed! almost 5 hrs of sleep later i got up and started this work routine again.

now the big decision comes in: nap when i get home or go to bed early tonight? if i nap, i will probably stay up too late... but if i don't nap, something fun might come up tonight and i will stay up too late anyway, but without the nap sleep to help me catch up [although i've heard "catching up" on sleep is actually not possible]. decisions, decisions...

the poison in our lives

2009-08-09T01:05:00.000-07:00

i rarely do much for my skin [that's bad, i know]. occasionally i will utilize the bottle of proactive in the shower or put lotion on my legs when i wear shorts- but that's about it. however, when there is a problem with my skin i suddenly find the urgent need to attend to it. the problem is that i work at my skin long enough to fix the problem and then return to my normal state of skin neglect.

this week i got skin poisoning. the sun can be a fickle mistress. it's warm and lovely... but harsh if your exposed to it too long or exposed with improper protection. the rash of skin poisoning on my chest has received careful consideration each evening. i lather it with healing aloe lotion, take benedryl, and am careful not to scratch at it. each night -after my loving care- the swelling, itching, and redness goes down [sometimes almost disappearing completely]. this would be great if i didn't then proceed to take my sensitive skin back out into the harsh sunlight day after day. once i'm back out in the hot sun, it flairs up again.

i should be aware of the sensitivity...the likeliness of the flair up...the reaction when it's exposed to the sun. i should sacrifice the tan on my shoulders and wear a t-shirt so that i can protect the skin on my chest. it's my unwillingness to make these sacrifices that sends me inside every night with an uncomfortable consequence.

isn't this how we live our christian lives? i neglect prayer, but when hard situations arise i pray with careful consideration... then head out into the world the next day on my own [last nights prayer warrior is no where to be found].

why is it that we see our downfalls in life, give them a little healing pat, and then send them back into the situations that made them downfalls in the first place? it's so tempting to make those bad decisions... the sun feels nice, it's warm on my face- distracting me from the damage it's currently doing to the sensitive skin on my chest.

i'm not going to sit here and give you examples of how this applies to your lives... if you think about it, you'll find the application. there's nothing wrong with the sun, it's good in moderation... but i can't ignore the power it has to affect me.

Running out of Olive Branches

2009-07-21T20:09:00.001-07:00

Today I wondered- where does the phrase "extend an olive branch" come from? When I looked it up, I realized I had known this at one point- but [as many of you know] i have trouble holding onto my memories :)

In case any of you have forgotten or just don't know, here is the origin of "Extend an Olive Branch": The term “to extend an olive branch” means an offer of peace or reconciliation. This term has Biblical origins, coming from the section of the Old Testament which deals with the flood; the sign that the flood is over is an olive branch brought back to the Ark by Noah's dove. Olive branches were also symbols of peace in Ancient Greece and Rome, and they continue to be used in various works of art which are meant to suggest peace, from murals to patches.

Some people have suggested that the olive was a very deliberate and well-considered choice as a metaphor for peace, because olive trees famously take years to mature, and war is typically very hard on olives, because people cannot take the time to nurture them and plant new trees. Therefore, the offer of an olive branch would suggest that someone is tired of war, whether it be an actual war or a falling out between friends. [wisegeek.com].

I was thinking about this because I'm running out of them; Olive Branches that is.

I'm tired of the "war" and the "floods," i just want it to be over. Even if that means swallowing my pride, giving someone else the power, or just refusing to fight anymore. Here's my olive branch, take it.

However, if you offer up an olive branch over and over and see no return on your efforts then how do you keep up morale?

Extending an olive branch is a dangerous situation. . . if your olive branch is refused, it just makes you want to go to war again :)

Narcissus

2009-07-20T16:10:00.000-07:00

"Narcissus: a beautiful youth in Greek mythology who pines away for love of his own reflection and is then turned into the narcissus flower"

I would have to say that we're all a little bit like ole Narcissus here... it's called Narcissism. So inwardly focused that we miss the beauty all around us... i like to think that's why Narcissus was turned into a flower... he became something that is still beautiful but that people walk by everyday and fail to notice. Narcissus noticed himself enough that he didn't need other people, but now that he can't stare back at his adoring self he realizes that no one else is looking. He's neglected relationships, missed out on life, alienated friends, and made his beauty something that people despised him for rather than admired him for.

Why do we do this? Are we so afraid that other people won't acknowledge the things about us that we know are good that we have to continually acknowledge it in ourselves for reassurance? If you admire yourself enough, if you pity yourself enough, if you defend yourself enough-- no one else will feel the need to do it for you. A sob story is only sad the first couple of times- and then people start to think you feel bad enough for yourself, so much so that you don't need their understanding or pity. A reminder of your qualities is rarely endearing- when you do things to be noticed rather than just to do what's right, people stop seeing it as giving and start seeing the selfish motivation behind it.

It's also not just the beauty in you that will make you a better person. If you only look at yourself in that warped mirror- the one that only shows your beauty- you'll fail to make any improvements. When we let other people see us for what we really are they can hold us accountable. They can see the ugly side of us and encourage us to change. We're so scared of not being "perfect" that we don't even strive to be better. It all comes down to fear. Fear of not being loved, fear of failing, fear of letting people down. . . our fear screams at us with every step we take "JUST STAY HERE!" It keeps us from moving forward.

We all have a little bit of this in us... some people are consumed by it.

It's not just you that you're hurting. It affects the people around you- when they can tell that you care more about yourself than about them. . . to the point where it is simply your self-interest that is motivating your actions. We have to act out of careful consideration for the people around us. . . out of careful consideration for how our actions portray the heart of God. So forget about the specific examples, forget the black & white, the rules and the laws, even the fruits your life should show- let's not even get that specific. . . what's your motivation? When was the last time you thought, "how will this affect the people I love?" when was the last time you thought "How will this show people Christ in me?" When was the last time you thought these things INSTEAD of "Will this make me happy?" "Will this be fun?" "Will this make people like me?" "Will this keep me from getting hurt?" "Will this be convenient for me?" There are a lot of questions we subconsciously ask ourselves- however, they're rarely the right ones.

Just in case you didn't already think I was crazy...

2009-03-23T17:25:00.001-07:00

check out my latest blog.

surprise, surprise- it's dedicated to Twilight! :)

http://i-dream-about-being-with-you-forever.blogspot.com/

Hey, It's OK...

2009-03-07T22:46:00.000-08:00

...to consider heating up frozen food "cooking." It's still nourishment isn't it? Just because you don't take 4 hrs to make a meal doesn't mean you can't say you "cooked it." Freezers, microwaves, ovens - someone took the time to invent them, it's only right that we should put them to good use.

...to tell people the truth. Sugar coating things; telling people what they want to hear; sparing feelings- those things can actually be more damaging than nice. Sometimes people just need to hear the honest-to-goodness-truth! (with love of course).

...to drink diet pepsi for breakfast. Not all of us love coffee you know. I need a pick-me-up just like anyone else, but I'm not interested in coffee. Give me eggs, bacon, and a diet pepsi.

...to walk out of a movie. Some things are just inappropriate. I know movies cost a lot of money. But $10 is a small price to pay to keep from compromising your beliefs and morals.

...to "plan" your wedding before you're anywhere near getting married. I just heard a song today and I think it is the PERFECT wedding song! So cute! So, I added it to my list of possibilities. Am I engaged? No. Am I even dating? No. But, it's a girls right to always be "planning" her wedding.

::more to come::

Life Keeps On Moving...

2009-03-07T21:32:00.000-08:00

Life just keeps moving.

It doesn't stop or slow down or wait for you to feel better. So, you just have to keep living it.

The sad truth of the matter is the pain from hard situations never lessens over time; but we do get stronger. And not just strong enough to live through it - strong enough to really live. When your bone breaks, the place where it heals is stronger than any of your other bones.

We have to really keep living and embrace those hard things as an inevitable part of life that makes us stronger and better people (if we let it).

Don't be complacent with where you are in life. We can always be bigger and better people. We can always seek God more everyday. We can always raise the bar/our standards higher. We can want more for ourselves and for our lives without feeling discontented.

But it all has to come from somewhere. When we fill ourselves with the Holy Spirit; when we fully embrace the love of God - the desires of our hearts will line up with those of God and the want to be more than who we are will just overflow out of us and not only impact our lives but the lives of those around us.

We need to have that happen so that we can live a straight line next to people. So that we are spotless and without blemish. So that we are above reproach. People don't need us to be relevant, they need us to walk straight.

Life just keeps moving.

People are searching for love and meaning and hope for the future. We have to be able to show them what that is. When we get so caught up in our circumstances and the hardships of life we lose track of what we're here to do: further the kingdom of Christ.

Don't lose track. Life is not about having fun or being happy or having it easy; don't focus so much on trying to make life fun that you misplace your passion for the lost. Don't try so hard to be relevant to people that you compromise God's standards for you.

Just show people God's love and walk straight- that's all the relevance you need.

Keep persevering through life as it continues on and let those times you suffer develop that perseverance - and turn that perseverance into character - and that character will produce hope.

Work at it until you want the same things for your life that God wants for your life.

Life just keeps moving. Are you moving with it? Are you developing everyday into someone more than you are today?

and now... a thought about Moving On from Rascal Flatts (click name to see video)

Overly Sensitive

2009-02-16T21:29:00.000-08:00

I know that I'm not a horrible person. So, why does it bother me so much when someone thinks that I am?

I also know that I'm not a perfect person. But, how do you admit your faults and mistakes to someone who doesn't listen?

I know I'm a better person without negative influences in my life. So, why is it still so hard to give up those relationships?

Say What You Need to Say

2009-02-08T19:14:00.000-08:00

I believe it is TRUE that...

There is only ONE way to Heaven and that is through Jesus Christ, the Son of God.

I don't think that reflects arrogance, just confidence.

John 14:6 (New International Version) "Jesus answered, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."

Saving sex for marriage is less about MORALS and more about RESPECTING YOURSELF.

Girls who respect themselves will look for guys who respect them enough to wait.

If you cheat on your spouse you're a TOOL- no exceptions!

"I Kissed a Girl and I Liked It" being one of the biggest songs of the year should make our generation feel embarrassed and ashamed.

No matter how great a musician you are, lyrics are what make a song great.

You learn more outside the classroom than in it.

You shouldn't do anything in public that you don't want talked about.

You cannot be seeking after the heart of God and voting for a President who says that if his daughters make a mistake he doesn't want them "punished with a baby."

"The first thing I'd do as President is sign the Freedom of Choice Act" -Obama

Proverbs 14:34 says "God-devotion makes a country strong; God-avoidance leaves people weak"

"Judgement" is not a dirty word; we should hold other Christians accountable for their actions.

I Corinthians 5:9-13 "I wrote you in my earlier letter that you shouldn't make yourselves at home among the sexually promiscuous. I didn't mean that you should have nothing at all to do with outsiders of that sort. Or with crooks, whether blue or white-collar. Or with spiritual phonies, for that matter. You'd have to leave the world entirely to do that! But I am saying that you shouldn't act as if everything is just fine when a friend who claims to be a Christian is promiscuous or crooked, is flip with God or rude to friends, gets drunk or becomes greedy and predatory. You can't just go along with this, treating it as acceptable behavior. I'm not responsible for what the outsiders do, but don't we have some responsibility for those within our community of believers? God decides on the outsiders, but we need to decide when our brothers and sisters are out of line and, if necessary, clean house."

Paris Hilton (though not the brightest crayon in the box) says a lot of smart/insightful things.

"If you don't have something nice to say, better tell it to someone you trust" -Paris

People give the Jonas Brothers a hard time because they are jealous of their fame/talent, their solid beliefs, and their ability to take a stand.

People who don't punish their children care more about themselves than their children.

Literary genius has nothing to do with grammar, sentence structure, or depth of intelligence BUT with the unteachable ability to tell a great story.

Who you surround yourself with says a lot about who you are as a person.

Without scripture to back you up, most arguments are pointless.

Edward and Bella will be the Romeo and Juliet of our time.

If you stand up for what is right and true and good people WILL give you a hard time; and if you're not getting a hard time ever then STAND UP!

Matthew 5:11 "Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me."

The View From Here

2009-01-16T09:21:00.000-08:00

"I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken pieces as long as I live."

Does That Make Me Crazy?

2009-01-08T21:39:00.000-08:00

Am I crazy because...

I saw Twilight 10 times in the theaters? It's funny how when we find something we love it's hard to get too much of it. Life is hard... so, for those 20 hours out of the 210,240 that I have been alive, I got to set all that aside and enjoy one of life's simple, uncomplicated pleasures. Does that make me crazy?

I care too much? Maybe it is better to just step back and let people live their lives, but i have trouble believing that. I would rather say what needs to be said and then move onto a new relationship (if necessary) than keep everything bottled up and watch the people I love make bad decisions. Does that make me crazy?

I'm happy being single? It seems like everyone is always waiting, looking, searching for that "other half." Is it abnormal to not have that on your brain 24/7? To not see every member of the opposite sex as a possible future mate? Does that make me crazy?

i love Kath and Kim because I see myself in them? :) does that make me crazy?

If I had cast Twilight...

2008-11-15T13:02:00.000-08:00

My Twilight Cast:

Alice: Brea Grant

Esme: Kate Beckinsale

Carlisle: Justin Hartley

Emmett: Channing Tatum

Rosalie: Sophia Myles

Jasper: James Franco

Charlie: Kyle Chandler

James: Josh Holloway

Victoria: Erica Durance

Laurent: Clive Owen

Jacob: Steven Strait

I am pretty attached to Edward and Bella at this point, so I will really have to think about it.

Hey, It's OK...

2008-06-07T20:39:00.001-07:00

It's OK...

... to leave things a little messy, in your house and in your life; homes should be lived in before their spotless and hearts should be broken before they are healed. Life isn't squeaky clean; real life is messy.

... to offer forgiveness without reconciliation. Sometimes they go hand in hand, but other times they do not. Feel free to forgive without feeling obligated to reconcile.

... to go out without fixing your hair. Be spontaneous... sometimes it's just time to go out; get up and go... don't worry about your clothes and your hair.

... to be unreachable. Turn your cell phone off. People survived before we were able to reach each other at every possible moment. Take a little time for yourself.

... if you're not always popular. Having strong beliefs will cause dissension; it won't always result in popularity. Don't back down.

... to always love someone but not always like them. I'll love my family and friends forever, but there are times I don't like them. That's normal (i think). Relationships are hard; anyone who says they aren't (or shouldn't be) is a liar.

... to laugh a little louder than anyone else. People might stare (or they might think you've had more to drink than you have), but who cares? Have fun... you were given life so that you could live it.

... to have irrational fears. So, bee stings and spider bites don't really hurt all that much, you can't help that you freak out when one comes near you. So, throw your food, do a crazy dance, run in the house screaming and flailing... go ahead and be a little irrational.

... to use your bedroom as a closet. Some people sleep on the couch and let their floor and bed hold their clothes. It's not a crime!!

::more to come::

I'm not Lost, Just Undiscovered....

2008-05-01T23:23:00.000-07:00

I believe that we have been conditioned to evaluate a person with a single glance. That we can look at someone for a short period of time... or sometimes our whole lives and really think that we know them. But, we don't. I see it in people's eyes sometimes... hear it in their tone of voice... people look at me and they evaluate my life. They evaluate the choices I've made... they gauge my mental, spiritual, and psychological health... they calculate my emotional responses. Sometimes I noticing them looking at me like I'm lost.

Like maybe somewhere along the way... maybe somewhere in the midst of tragedy... I lost my way. Perhaps they see my uncertainness of future plans as being lost... perhaps they see my problems in relationships as being lost... whatever it is they see, if they see me as lost, they aren't really seeing me.

I'm not lost, just undiscovered. Who wrote out this timeline for life? Who decided when was the right time to move on? Who catalogued the correct way to mourn? The right way to be successful? The proper time to fall in love? There are a lot of things about me left undiscovered up to this point, probably a lot more than most people my age... but why does that have to be bad?

Someday I'll discover my direction... the "career" path God has for me to go down. Someday someone will discover me in a way that makes them love me unconditionally. Someday I'll discover how to feel normal and whole again in this new life missing people that I love. That someday may not be today... but they dooesn't mean I'm lost.

I'm not lost, just undiscovered.

My (least) Favorite Month

2008-04-17T20:49:00.000-07:00

April brings with it a lot of wonderful things....
-The sun is shinning (which doesn't happen all that often in Ohio, so I drive everywhere with my windows down and don't take my sunglasses off even when I'm indoors) :)
-The air is warm (the wind has had a biting chill for so long I had forgotten what promises a warm breeze could hold... the feelings of freedom it carries with it)
-school is coming to an end (final projects and exams may be hectic, but I can handle it knowing that Lake of the Ozarks waits for me in the near future)

However, there are days this month when the warm breeze can't penetrate the chills you get just before a good cry.
April brings with it lots of hard memories....

::Confessions::Part 2::

2007-11-12T21:51:00.000-08:00

::i wish i didn't need other people::

it's true. i don't like needing other people; i wanna be content on my own. i want to feel strong when nobody stands behind me. i want to be able to be by myself and not feel lonely. i want to be able to lose people and not feel so much pain. having people in my life makes things so difficult. people don't stick even when you think they will. everyone wants to be placated; no one really wants to know the real you; they want the you that approves of everything they do. but for the life of me i can't just cut people out of my life. i need people. i need to feel a connection and need to be loved and appreciated and i need people to think i'm funny... i just need people. i wish i didn't.

::I seriously am addicted to the Hills... i see myself in Lauren::

that's a confession that's embarrassing to make. i used to think reality tv was so stupid. however, maybe reality hits a little closer to home than i thought. tv is entertainment; reality tv is (sometimes) real life. i watch it like their lives matter to me; i watch it like i might learn something about myself or about life. i can't help it; i just get attached easily. and i like seeing someone who's willing to let go of relationships rather than compromise herself. tonight she basically said... 'fine, let's forgive and forget. i forgive you, and i want to forget you.' i always believed that sometimes forgiveness doesn't mean reconciliation.... then again, sometimes it does. i'm willing to fight for relationships; as long as i don't have to compromise who i am or what i believe in.

::church made me cry this sunday::

basically church was about how we run a race... and that race is our christian faith. there are some things that are "race killers." one is isolation... we need people around us cheering us on. we need christian supporters around us cheering us on when it gets really hard; when all we want to do is give into the world. two is the fear of pain. this is definitely a race killer for me. fear of pain actually cripples me. i don't want to hurt anymore. i try with everything in me to just avoid pain at all costs and it cripples me. it keeps my faith and my relationship with God shy of it's full potential. there was more... but i'm kind of blanking at the moment. anyway, it opened my eyes to some things that are hindering my walk with Christ. I'm not sure how to fix them; i'm not sure how you ever get past fearing pain; i'm not sure how you rely on others to cheer you on when you're not even sure of the people around you... but i do know that i have to work on those things and overcome them so I can be closer to God.

::i just... i want something more::

i want something more from my friends... i wanna be loved deeper... i want people to need me more... i want to be a real influence in someone's life... i wanna be indisposable. i want something more from my family... i want them to understand that i'm a little lost right now... i want them to know that i'm trying to work things out and trying to decide where my life is really going to go... i want them to trust and confide in me... i want to be their best friends. i want more out of life... i want to get past the bumps in the road that have really slowed me down...
i want more....

::Confessions::

2007-06-23T09:29:00.000-07:00

::I have recurring dreams about quitting my job::

I admit it, I am extremely lazy. I have no desire to work and can think of a million reasons why I don't want to or shouldn't have to. I don't find days at home by myself boring. I'm easily entertained with a good book (or even a not-so-good book) and tivo... or the freedom to spend the day shopping for things I probably don't need and most likely can't afford. I confess: I think I'd make a good heiress.

::I believe those who smoke are actually somewhat anti-social and secretly need a break from people... which is why I think I could easily be a smoker if it weren't so gross::

The need to be entertaining and fun whenever you're with people drains me and I think smoke breaks would give me just the reboot I need. However, I also think it's a disgusting habit and could never actually take it up. That's why I hang out with people who aren't demanding and love me even when I'm boring. It's also why I have no desire to go out and make new friends and have to start the process of getting truly comfortable with people all over again. It's just not in me. I confess: I just don't like people all that much.

::I laugh when things are bad. I just can't help it... serious situations make me giggly::

In the past week, my grandpa had a stroke and I fed my niece something that she had an allergic reaction to. And each time I talk about either of the situations, I laugh inappropriately. I can't help it. All serious situations make me act in an inappropriate manner. It's not that I think it's funny... I think I just seriously dread serious/emotional/tragic situations and avoid them at all costs including emotional involvement. I confess: I laugh at other's misfortunes.

Anyway, those are my confessions for today.... more to come...

here we are

2007-05-14T15:54:00.000-07:00

the weather today is sunkissed and slightly frizzy
with a forecast of quality time and laughter
and a good chance i'm already burnt.

ahh, welcome spring and summer.

Be ThE cHaNgE yOu WaNt tO SeE iN tHe wOrLd

2007-04-27T11:52:00.000-07:00

I could change a lot of things... "startin' with me."
We spend so much time looking at the world and seeing what it could do better.
Looking at your friends and seeing all the ways they could be better people.
Looking at the government and thinking we know something they don't.
CUT IT OUT!
There's nothing wrong with looking at things in a "big picture"
But first-- start with the smaller picture-- You... me...
If I/You want the poor to have more money... we should give it to them
if You want the war to be over... go and fight and help
If I/You see something in our friends we don't like... become a better friend youself first.

Don't whine... and wish other people were better... be the change you want to see in the world.

something real

2007-04-15T21:18:00.000-07:00

I heard something the other day about relationships... "he who cares the least, has the power"
I kind of believe that...
and it makes you have these awful thoughts... like, maybe if i could just be less caring about the people in my life I wouldn't have to invest so much into my relationships. I could have the power. Decide when and where and how.
But that's just not in me... I think normally I care the most. I set myself up to be hurt.
Some people would look at that and think that i'm weak... but i just don't know how to love any other way than to love with all that I am.
Is that good or bad? I mean, on one hand-- i'm set up for heartbreak... all the time, in any circumstance someone could hurt me more than they'd ever know. On the other hand-- will the relationships that work be so much more indepth and powerful because I hold nothing back?

Down another path... he who cares the least has the power... but is that all he has?
So, you care the least... so you can manipulate your relationships just as you please... so what?
All it means is that you're in this one-sided relationship that can never be truly satisfying or that you actually care more than the other person and are just trying to keep from getting hurt, but will ultimately end up hurt anyway-- because you can't have a relationship based on manipulation and lies.

Anyway, i don't really know what this post is about... that statement just got me thinking about relationships and how much we do manipulate them.
Has the fear of being hurt made us so afraid that we can't give all of ourselves to relationships anymore? How do trust and true love exist anymore... are they not suffocated out by suspicion, distrust, and a need to protect ourselves more than we feel a need to love another person fully and completely with no reservations?

I want something real.

the weather today...

2007-04-07T23:11:00.000-07:00

I loved the weather the other day...
it was just starting to get cold...
and the wind was fierce. It whipped my hair so much i could barely see as I walked to my car. It reminded me of driving with my windows down. It felt like freedom.

My Acquired Life View

2007-03-22T21:35:00.000-07:00

"I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived."

:JUST WANNA KNOW YOU'RE GONNA HOLD ME IF I START TO CRY..O GREAT GOD, BE SMALL ENOUGH TO HEAR ME NOW..JUST WANNA KNOW THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE ALRIGHT:

2007-03-13T23:36:00.000-07:00

For me.. listening to music is an experience.

A single song can bring up thoughts, feelings, and emotions I didn't even know I had.

sometimes you listen to it, and you think... "that's from my heart... those are my thoughts"

It's really late tonight-- so I'll be really honest-- however, it wouldn't surprise me if I came back later and deleted this.

I have these unspoken, even un-thought-about standards for how my life is supposed to go and who I'm supposed to be.

Like, i'm not supposed to be struggling with God and my dad's death anymore. In the past three years, I was supposed to become something better because of this experience. I was supposed to help someone else who was hurting. I was supposed to be so much closer to God.

::[my] heart used to be so full of faith and now it only hurts::
::and the faithful [one] that you loved is no where to be found... since they took all that [i] believed and laid it in the ground::
-alan jackson

where do you go from there? when your whole world is shattered? when everything you believed in is lying in pieces all around you? Figuring out a new understanding of who God is and what your life looks like becomes this utterly complicated jigsaw puzzle.

Have you ever been to a person's house where a jigsaw puzzle with tiny little pieces is laying out on a side table... partly put together? that's how my life is. I picked up some pieces and starting putting this back together, but it was harder than i thought it was going to be... and so lately it just sits on a side table-- unfinished, unclear.

There are even times I go back and wreck work i've already done. Why? Why do I do that?

::It's been [three] year[s] and there's so much to tell
been doing alright in spite of myself
just wish I could stop feeling bad when I pray
but I know i'm gonna get there someday::
-dierks bentley

praying... i mean, real, heartfelt prayers that make me acknowledge myself and my life and my heart... they don't feel good... they're hard. They make me miss my dad more than anything else. They make me confront it... the pain, the reality. Don't get me wrong... i'm happy for him. He deserves to be with God. It's just that when it happened, i didn't have time to think about it. Rodd was so sick... the "dealing," well, it just got put on the back-burner. Losing Rodd and Jonathan and family members... then losing timmy. I just never got around to dealing with it all. And now when I pray... i just experience more emotions and feel more than I can handle. So, I keep putting off the deep connection with God that I so long for. I want it back. He's the only father I have anymore, and i wanna be close to Him. ...i never stopped loving Him. ... i never blamed Him. ... and yet being close to Him is such a two edged sword. ... it hurts to be near Him now, and yet it's the one thing that really makes me feel whole again.

I just want to move away from the back and forth. **put a few pieces together-- tear my progress apart** I wanna finish the puzzle. I know my life can be whole again... God fills in those missing pieces. I just have to let Him.

so, for now... this continues to be my "heart song"

::The pathway is broken
And the signs are unclear
And I don’t know the reason why you brought me here
But just because you love me the way that you do
I’m gonna walk through the valley
If you want me to

CauseI’m not who I was
When I took my first step
And I’m clinging to the promise you’re not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to you
Then I will go through the fire
If you want me to

It may not be the way I would have chosen
When you lead me through a world that’s not my home
But you never said it would be easy
You only said I’d never go alone

So when the whole world turns against me
And I’m all by myself
And I can’t hear you answer my cries for help
I’ll remember the suffering your love put you through
And I will go through the valley
If you want me to::

Doesn't It Make You Mad....

2007-02-22T06:15:00.000-08:00

...when you fall back asleep with two more hours before your alarm goes off and it feels like two minutes???

...when you have to pay late fees on movies you didn't even have time to watch.

...when your favorite shows go on hiatus for long periods of time.

...when you feel like you have to tip a really bad waitress.

...when you pay almost $10 for amovie that ::SuCks::!!

...that there are so many punctuation marks you're supposed to know how to use correctly. I mean, come on!

...when you do the ::unlock door:: but ::Pull handle:: at the same time dance like four times before you finally get it right.

...when you think you have the day off then find out that you have to work.

...when you wanna fall asleep so bad, but you can't.

::more to come::

my heart song

2007-02-14T20:36:00.000-08:00

::I've been silent instead of speaking up::

::Gave my advice instead of giving love::

::I have been unfair, faithless, and unkind::

::I have shut my eyes just so I would stay blind::

::it's not what I'm meant to do
::cus I wanna honor you

::make me over, make me new
::make me a mirror, a reflection of you

::take me all apart, take me to your heart
::and pull me closer
::oh Jesus, make me over

Hey, it's OK.....

2007-02-12T20:02:00.000-08:00

....to buy new underwear just to avoid doing laundry.

....to not always match.

....to take a nap when you should be doing homework.

....to practice conversation in your mirror before a date.

....to go to movies in your pajamas.

::more to come::

Snowglobe

2007-02-12T16:21:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel as though I'm living in a snowglobe. and it's not just the weather...
It's more like everything in life is bigger than me... and so much in my life has the power to come along and shake me up as much as it wants and there's nothing I can do but hang on.
::relationships::emotions::school::lifeDecisions::tragedy::love::
Whatever it is, it's giving me a migraine.

it's my philosophies that get me into trouble...

2007-02-09T07:16:00.000-08:00

I found this quote in my old journal...

::if you put things off until the last minute, they only take a minute to do::

and there you have it, my slacker mantra

why couldn't i have been born a misanthrope?

2007-02-07T22:17:00.000-08:00

in light of recent events, I have written life a letter....

Dear Life,
why was i not born a misanthrope? being so trusting gets me into trouble. perhaps you could help me look askance at the world.

Love, Brittany.

P.S. confiscating my rose colored glasses might help your task considerably

Lost Returns Tonight!!!

2007-02-07T09:21:00.000-08:00

Baby, It's Cold Outside

2007-02-06T17:01:00.000-08:00

the weather today: freezing, unfit to be out. so, how come colleges never cancel classes? come on.

the quote for today:


	Keith: Have you been playing nice with the other children? Veronica: You know Dad, I'm old school, an eye for an eye. Keith: I think that's actually Old Testament.

unusual activities of late: writing a letter to a girl I don't know

excitement of the day: dropping my tues/thurs night class-- yay for veronica mars and smallville nights!!!

::I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away::

2007-01-29T08:42:00.000-08:00

::Have you ever heard someone say they could "taste freedom"? Just recently, I was sure that I could taste healing. That it was within my reach... that life, though never the same, would at least have found a new normal where we could all thrive again in happy lives. This tragedy-- it was supposed to be over-- it wasn't supposed to surround us like this. At least that's what I thought.
::You'd think having been here before I'd know where to go from here. How to handle these feelings that want to drown me in uncertainty and depression. How to lift others up who are hurting. What to say to make it better. How to be a blessing. But, it doesn't necessarily work that way.
::This is just one of those times, when the rain came and it hit hard and unforgiving. We just have to remember that it won't stay that way-- it will be cleansing again soon. And through all circumstances we must praise the God who gives and takes away.

Praise You in This Storm

2007-01-27T12:29:00.000-08:00

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say “Amen”, and it’s still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I’ll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
Every tear I’ve cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry
You raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can’t find You

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
“I’m with you”
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The maker of Heaven and Earth

-Casting Crowns

The Latest Veronica Mars Moment

2007-01-26T23:19:00.000-08:00

"You look so good with blond hair and black roots its like not even funny."

2007-01-26T08:42:00.000-08:00

::We live in a world that is completely and totally fake. It's amazingly scary the ways in which a person can be altered these days to fit the accepted conception of beauty. These alterations used to be found mainly in the world of the rich and famous, but today it has become commonplace-- middle aged housewives, young college girls, insecure business men. And if you can't afford the extreme costs of altering your body... you can simply go to the salon around the corner and have them clip in long, sulty hair extensions or add body and length to your eyelashes with eyelash extensions... while you're there, grab yourself a spray tan and slip in some colored contacts and you've effectively created a brand-new image. The most amazing thing is that all these fake alterations look completely real! You used to be able to spot a fake blond or a clip in ponytail from a mile away... that is no longer the case.

::So, I decided to have my own taste of this craze the other day and went to a salon where I got the new jessica simpson hair extensions (long, curly, and sultry of course). It was weird.. even I didn't know it wasn't my own hair. And while a big part of me thought it was so cool... another part of me just feels silly wearing it. I can't imagine my whole image being fake... I actually believe that imperfection comes with less insecurity than being something you're not. So why is it that the majority of society still believes that being outwardly beautiful with bring some kind of fullfillment to their lives? Are we so naive that we think self-esteem and security come from outward beauty? I understand that's what we're told everyday... but let's be honest-- we know better.

Every Mile A Memory

2007-01-24T10:17:00.000-08:00

I was thinking the other day and I realized that I'm really happy with my life. For so long, I felt kind of lost- and I wasn't sure where I was headed (and i'm still not)- but now, I'm okay with that. I'm happy where I am. I'm able to do things that most people don't- or can't. It hit me the other day that I can set my sights on something and do it. I decided Bradley Cooper was it, ya know? And I needed to meet him-- so, i made it happen. And it was fun, and exciting. And how many people have those kinds of stories? Where they decide they wanna do something like that and just do it? I have a heart for adventure, for new things, for making things happen.... and since I'm like that, I imagine I'll spend a lot of my life not really knowing where I'm headed... that's what's exciting about it. Things don't have to be all planned out- if they were, my plans would interfere with my spontaneous moments.
Every mile of my life is a memory... memories that are part of a journey I've been on... a journey I didn't even realize I was on until recently.

And I can see the rain....

2007-01-21T19:45:00.000-08:00

Have you ever seen the rain coming before it got to you? It's like a stormy wall out in the distance. And you know that soon enough the dry, sunny area that you're standing in will be drenched and covered in dark skies.

The funny thing about the rain is that it can create two totally different results. Some days the rain is cleansing. And other days it's damaging.

Since we don't know what effect it will have, there are two options. Run inside and hide from it. Or stand there and watch it come, brace yourself, then let it wash over you...

Cleansing or damaging-- at some point we have to deal with the rain in our lives.

"Now that you think you know who we are, how do you like us so far?"

2007-01-20T20:57:00.000-08:00

Fighting seems like a it would be a way to resolve things...
If i could just get my feelings out I would feel better...
Then why after every fight do I feel worse?

I think the worst part of fighting is the way it makes you feel. The way it feels when you hurt someone you love... the way it feels when that person hurts you. The people we love the most have the power to hurt us without hardly trying.

The hardest thing to remember is that people are usually hurtful because they're hurting. It's a defense mechanism. It's easier to make people angry then to deal with true emotions.

If only we could deal in true emotions. Maybe life wouldn't be so hard.

Life or something like it...

2007-01-19T09:08:00.000-08:00

I'm tired of being tired. But there's so much life to be lived... and when exactly are we supposed to live it? In that 30 minutes in between classes? In those couple of hours after a long day at work when you're stressed out and tired? If we could just have more time... but who wants more hours in a day? If there were more hours in a day, the work day would be longer, more classes would be offered, stores would stay open later, and life would be just as it is-- but full of more life as we know it. Isn't it interesting that the bulk of our life is not the life we dream about? It's a means to an end. A way to survive. So, since living that life seems so inevitable, I wish I could embrace it with more joy. But it's so hard. I go to school, go to work, do homework, clean my room, lose sleep... and continue to dream about weeks at the lake riding on the boat while the sun becomes one with my skin and the wind tries to whip it away... I continue to dream about Scotland and rolling hills and stone wall castles... I continue to dream about road-trips and singing in the car with friends and taking polaroid pictures and driving with the windows down and kayla doing interpretive dancing in the passenger seat... I dream of staying awake all night and sleeping all day like when we were younger... I dream of cruise ships with irish boys crooning while I lay out on the deck and watch the dark endless water spread out before me. I shouldn't complain... i've gotten to do most of those things... and i am grateful and i know how blessed I am. I just can't help but wish those things dominated my life... however, then they might not be so special. So, i'll try to embrace the life i have to live... and treasure the moments I get away from it.

Plans to Blog More

2007-01-18T06:09:00.000-08:00

I'm in love.
No, not with a boy. With my new niece, Lorelai. She's beautiful and my favorite new past-time.

The other past-time that has dominated my life lately is Seasons 1-3 of Veronica Mars... it's a great show (check out a video about it on my myspace: www.myspace.com/regardingme). It's still mid season 3, so to get those episodes we had to buy them on itunes and De and I dragged the couch into my kitchen and watched the first half of the season on the computer. We've been done for like two days, but the couch is still in the kitchen. I think out pizza boxes are still on the counter too. It's fun being a college student. Thanks for being cool, Chell.

I'm considering my life. A couple more semesters and i'll be done with college-- then what? I'm not sure yet. It's kind of nice to not have an exact plan though-- my life could go in any direction and I like that.

Do you ever hear a song and think "i hope that people see me like that"? My favorite song right now makes me think that. It goes like this "she was precious like a flower, she grew wild, wild but innocent... perfect prayer in a desperate hour, she was everything beautiful and different... you can't fence that in, it's like holding back the wind." So, I hope one day that someone sees me like that.

...:::songs and life:::...

2006-11-13T22:49:00.000-08:00

Songs have really interested me lately. You know, one of the top songs right now is about a guy cheating on his girlfriend... and even girls love it. You wanna know why I think that is? Because we never put ourselves in the position of the girl being cheated on... and yet somehow we think it's better or romantic that we're with a guy that would cheat on his girlfriend?? It's just all so screwed up. Even more screwed up then that is that most people don't think that the song is even about cheating... yet, here are the lyrics "my girl's in the next room, somtimes I wish she was you... i guess we never really moved on....... and girl you make it hard to be faithful, with the lips of an angel". Would you tell your significant other you said that to someone? no. then, it's cheating. I would definitely dump a guy that was telling another girl he wished she was me. Come on girls-- have some respect for yourselves.
Anyway, another song that is really popular that interest me is that song Chasing Cars ( i think it's called)... it says, "if i lay here, if I just lay here-- would you lie with me and just forget the world. forget what we're told, before we get too old..." It sounds romantic right? The idea of it is romantic-- and it's human nature to crave something like that-- but as Christians, that's the last thing we need. Forgetting the world and hiding away in our rooms and our relationships and in our own little worlds doesn't help fulfill the purpose that God's given us. It's so easy to get caught up in wanting to just be happy-- to just forget what's going on around us-- forget that people are dying and being lost for eternity... when will we stop "chasing cars" or however you want to put it and start living our lives for God and for others instead of ourselves.
Another song I like, but have thoughts on is Why Why Why by billy currington. Here's how it goes... "why why why do you wanna change me now? ain't I the one you loved everything about? You might start missing the old me around? so why why why do you wanna change me now? I remember you used to like walking with me on my wilder side... my kind of crazy turned you on... do you really want that part of me gone?" Guys have a tendency to think this way... and not just non-Christian guys-- there was this Christian book out for guys and it had this chapter on letting guys be guys and buying motorcycles and all this crap... here's what I think the truth is--sure, when girls are young (take me for example), the bad boy, wild-side thing is hott and fun and of course you want a little piece of that to stay in your husband-- but come on guys, that doesn't mean that you're never supposed to grow up. When you have a family, you stop taking stupid risks and you put your family first... that's just the way it is. When a girl becomes a wife and a mother-- that's what becomes hott, a guy that will put his wilder, younger self in a good-memory box and will be a loving husband and father who knows how to be a man without motorcyles. Anyway, that's just some of my thoughts...
More later...

Autumn Leaves

2006-10-20T07:02:00.000-07:00

I love October. The weather is perfect. Everything is colorful and fun and crisp. Last weekend in Pittsburgh a group of us went to haunted houses... there were three, and they were scary and exciting... holding onto the person in front of you, glancing over your shoulder, running and screaming and laughing. And last night we carved pumpkins... scooping out all the goo, and cooking the pumpkin seeds, carving out intricate details, and getting to see the lit up final outcome of all your hard work. And this weekend we're talking about going to a corn maze... it's just like there is always something fun to do. I love it. I love jumping in leaves and going to football games and wearing sweatshirts and scarves and cuddling and getting rosy cheeks. I don't know why-- but fall is just a happy season. So, anyway. The final fun fall bash is at my house on Oct 31st. So, be there. And dress up! We go all out-- so far this year we have mario, and princess peach, and maybe a luigi, and a pregnant prom queen, and the witches from the wizard of us, and a doctor, and superman... and all kinds of stuff. It's gonna be great. If you wanna join me for any fall fun, give me a call.

My Kind of Guy (smart words from some guys that can sing!)

2006-10-11T09:56:00.000-07:00

"I can tell you this much,
I will marry just once
And if it doesn't work out,
I'll give her half of my stuff
It's fine with me
We said eternity"

-John Mayer

"When you say that I'm one of a kind
Baby, I don't see it but you believe
That I'm so strong and true,
I promise you
I'll try to be that kind of man
because you love me like I am"

-Rascal Flatts

"But there's something in the way you laugh
And it makes me feel like a child
Aspects of life they confuse me
You and your thesis amuse me
Oh, after and afternoon with you
And your rich brown eyes
Your lips and dark hair
Elbows and exposed knees tossing toward the ceiling
After an afternoon with you"

"I would if I could. I'd do most anything spontaneously."

"Sleeping to dream about you
And I'm so tired
Of having to live without you
But I don't mind
Sleeping to dream about you"

-Jason Mraz

"You need a friend
I'll be around. . . .
I'm going to love you more than anyone
I'm going to hold you closer than before
And when I kiss your soul, your body'll be free
I'll be free for you anytime
I'm going to love you more than anyone
Look in my eyes, what do you see?
Not just the color
Look inside of me
Tell me all you need and I will try
I will try"

-Gavin Degraw

"I prefer the fiddle to the violin
And I tend to think that supermodels are too thin
And I think who you are is who you oughtta be
But that's just me. . . . . . .
And I accept the fact that women are just hard to understand
I think people take themselves too seriously
But that's just me"

-Billy Currington

"When I hear you stop and laugh out loud
When you're falling fast asleep
You're in the middle of the crowd
When you're lying close to me
When I hear you softly say my name
When you're high and when you're low
You don't need me to explain, you already know
When you smile, that wayI know,
every night and day
That's when I love you
When I need you
When I care about you
That's when I know without a doubt, that I can't live without you
Everyday I find another reason,
every season we go through
Every little thing you do
That's when I love you
When you're driving in your car
When you dance and sing to the radio
When you're walking underneath the stars
Anywhere and everywhere you go
Dressed up or you're dressed down
When you're talking on the phone
A million people all around
When you're all alone
When you're near or you're far
You're in my heart, no matter where you are"

-Phil Vassar

"And though I don't know who you are
I know you're beautiful
So for now I'll lay me down to sleep and dream
and maybe tomorrow
I'll kiss the air that covers you -
I'll watch the moonlight dance in your eyes
I'll hold you safely in my arms -
Maybe tomorrow you'll be mine"

-Nouveaux

...... more to come

I Believe

2006-09-17T18:54:00.000-07:00

I know that you're constant
in an ever-changing world.
I know that you're comfort
in relentless, raging storms.
And I know that you're hope
when nothing's worth fighting for.

But when things change
sometimes I panic
When storms rage
sometimes I hide
And when i can't see past the pain
sometimes i close my eyes

I believe,
help me with my unbelief.

by:me

. . .

2006-09-03T11:19:00.000-07:00

Just for the record, The weather today is slightly sarcastic

with a good chance of:

A. Indifference or

B. Disinterest in what the critics say

Scripture Says it All

2006-08-31T18:06:00.000-07:00

I'm not even really going to write a post tonight, because I've noticed lately that arguing/discussing things with other Christians is pointless-- unless you have Scripture to back it up. I'm tired of people telling me that you're not supposed to worry so much about what other Christians are doing or supposed to "Judge" other Christians, which is just the word Christians have substituted for "holding accountable"... this Scripture will tell you why... sometimes Scripture says it all, I feel no need to add anything. Here's 1 Corinthians chapter 5. . .

4-5I'm telling you that this is wrong. You must not simply look the other way and hope it goes away on its own. Bring it out in the open and deal with it in the authority of Jesus our Master. Assemble the community—I'll be present in spirit with you and our Master Jesus will be present in power. Hold this man's conduct up to public scrutiny. Let him defend it if he can! But if he can't, then out with him! It will be totally devastating to him, of course, and embarrassing to you. But better devastation and embarrassment than damnation. You want him on his feet and forgiven before the Master on the Day of Judgment.
6-8Your flip and callous arrogance in these things bothers me. You pass it off as a small thing, but it's anything but that. Yeast, too, is a "small thing," but it works its way through a whole batch of bread dough pretty fast. So get rid of this "yeast." Our true identity is flat and plain, not puffed up with the wrong kind of ingredient. The Messiah, our Passover Lamb, has already been sacrificed for the Passover meal, and we are the Unraised Bread part of the Feast. So let's live out our part in the Feast, not as raised bread swollen with the yeast of evil, but as flat bread—simple, genuine, unpretentious.
9-13I wrote you in my earlier letter that you shouldn't make yourselves at home among the sexually promiscuous. I didn't mean that you should have nothing at all to do with outsiders of that sort. Or with crooks, whether blue or white-collar. Or with spiritual phonies, for that matter. You'd have to leave the world entirely to do that! But I am saying that you shouldn't act as if everything is just fine when a friend who claims to be a Christian is promiscuous or crooked, is flip with God or rude to friends, gets drunk or becomes greedy and predatory. You can't just go along with this, treating it as acceptable behavior. I'm not responsible for what the outsiders do, but don't we have some responsibility for those within our community of believers? God decides on the outsiders, but we need to decide when our brothers and sisters are out of line and, if necessary, clean house.

Rascal Flatts

2006-08-16T06:15:00.000-07:00

They got three in the front and four in the back of a civic

Camped out all night on the sidewalk

for Rascal Flatts tickets

With their hands on thefence in the back by the buses and the limousines

Just to get a glance at a drummer or singer yeah anything

And they come from miles around
For that moment when the lights go out
And they scream

It's the girls in the front row singin'

It's the boys with the wheels that bring them

Its lighters in the air and you guys up there

You're the heart and soul

and the reason we do what we do

Here's to you

Sincerely, Me

2006-08-07T19:42:00.000-07:00

Life is hard sometimes. Confusing. Traumatic. And to deal, we have this flight reflex. And a denial reflex. And an anger reflex. And a bargaining reflex. It's that moment when you give that lame smile and say "i'm fine"... the smile and the saying that no one believes; not even someone that doesn't know you very well. It's that moment where you walk away instead of talking things out. The moment where you say something hurtful and regretable to someone you love. That moment you go back to and relive over and over, thinking 'if only i'd have said this'. Why are we so less than honest? Why is it so hard to let people see our hurt, and our faults, and our crazy side? Isn't it sad that we let friendships fall apart out of fear? I don't understand this world we live in where you can't say what you really feel and what you really believe because someone might get their feelings hurt- or someone might walk away once they know you feel that way. If that's true; if being honest would cost you the friendship or the love of another person-- do you really want it? Was it really love or friendship to begin with? Because if we hold bits and pieces of ourselves back to placate others-- then no one really loves us for who we are. They love us for who we are for and around them. It makes me sad to see people pretend. To see "yes men." What i mean by that is someone who tells you just what you want to hear. Someone whose beliefs and dreams change with the wind... or more acurately, change to match and placate the people surrounding them. Find out who you are and be that person. If people don't like it-- if they abandon you or betray you because of it-- then they're not who you thought they were. So, I guess what I'm saying is... if you're not comfortable showing your crazy side without reservation, then maybe you're not as comfortable and happy with yourself and your life as you thought you were. If you're not comfortable crying to the people around you when you're hurting, then maybe you're a little less honest than you thought. You get the picture.

Sincerely, Me

Lady in the Water

2006-07-23T18:24:00.000-07:00

I walked out of Lady in the Water being disappointed in only one thing: the shallow people who see it. (shallow: lacking in depth of knowledge, thought, or feeling). This is the kind of generation we're raising today, I believe. A shallow generation. A generation that is only entertained by cheap thrills and good graphics. We watch movies made after comic books (which are very entertaining, i love 'em), movies modeled after books, remakes of old movies, of old tv shows, sequels and prequels. It's a world of movies that lack any originality or creative thought. I watch these movies and I love them. They entertain me, and they take great creatitivity and work. But when it comes to movies like Lady in the Water... it's a movie where the viewer has to think... has to pay attention... has to dig beyond the surface... and has to use their imagination. It doesn't do it all for you. It's more than pure entertainment (though it was entertaining). I hope my children will see movies like this and appreciate them. I hope they will read books and not just play video games... that they'll have an imagination and not have everything handed to them right out front on a silver platter. I hope they read Narnia before they watch it. And I hope you all see this movie for what it's worth. If things are unrealistic, that you can see them as creative.... if things are incomplete that you can fill in blanks through discussion and deeper thought. I love this kind of movie. And other people don't have to, but I hope they at least appreciate M. Night's originality. The world isn't full of people whose minds create like that.... who show us a glimpse into a world we would have never seen otherwise. Imagination.... Creativity.... Originality.... That's Lady in the Water.
p.s. it also had a lot of spiritual parallels... if you see it, call me and let me know which ones you saw...

HMM

2006-06-20T16:39:00.000-07:00

I was just thinking about the word "hmm" today. Who came up with that word? Have you ever noticed that the most common use of "hmm" is really rather degrading? In case you're lost at this point- i will explain myself. "Hmm," I believe, is most often used in response to a statement or idea or whatever that you basically think is stupid. It's a way of telling someone their idea is stupid without saying "oh that's stupid." Because if you say it's stupid than you look like a big meanie... but if you say "hmm," people don't realize you're actually being rude. "Hmm" isn't even a full word... it's like saying, "that was so dumb I'm not going to even grace it with a half-hearted reply... in fact, i don't have to even open my mouth to reply to something that stupid... i'll just make a degrading sound with my lips pursed tightly... it goes something like this-- 'hmm.'" It is also very non-committal. When you don't want to admit how hideous a dress is or something of the like... you just say "hmm." And you can change your voice inflection to make it sound less offensive when you really mean it just as offensively.
Anyway, I just think "hmm" is an interesting word. I wonder who said it first. Because they were probably rude... but creatively so... i would have liked to know them.

You can't pull me down....

2006-06-07T09:37:00.000-07:00

I'm through accepting limits

'Cuz someone says they're so

Some things I cannot change

But till I try, I'll never know!

Too long I've been afraid of

Losing love I guess I've lost

Well, if that's love

It comes at much too high a cost!

I'd sooner buy

Defying gravity

Kiss me goodbye

I'm defying gravity

And you can't pull me down

those are my lyrics of the day. if you haven't seen Wicked, you have to. It was amazing.

CD of the week: Birthday Mix De made me **i love that CD, De... good job**

Most recent trip: Italy.... here are some pictures....

New friends from the trip: The Irish Guys... here's a picture...

therer's Nigel on the right, Simon is the cute one making the funny face, and Owen has half his head cut off in the back. You can listen to Owen sing online at www.myspace.com/owenbrady.

Last movie I saw: Over the Hedge (it was laugh out loud funny... really cute) *but I like the cookie*

Today's favorite actor: oh, still Bradley Cooper.

current age: I am now 22, in case you missed my birthday.

most recent family event: my brother just graduated... see my facebook for pics.

well, that's all for the moment, i'm going to go take a walk. i'll meet ya back here later.

ahhh

2006-05-14T13:04:00.000-07:00

I feel like I have been painting and cleaning for weeks, but it's only been a few days. The up side to all of this is that we've been staying in a hotel- which makes you feel as though you're on vacation even though you most definitely are not. Speaking of vacation though, I leave on Wednesday to head for Italy. I absolutely cannot wait! When I get back I will finally have something really interesting to talk about. and a million cool pictures that you all will have to sit and look at. :-)
Well, i have to get ready and go eat some steak at a friends house- yum! I'll miss you all while I'm in Italy. I turn 21 that day that I leave... happy birthday to me!!!... so you can be ready to party with me when I get back. However, if you're going to see me before I leave, I could use some books for my trip! :-)
Before i go though, here are some recent life highlights:
--Danie is pregnant! yay! I have already bought a ton of stuff... i'll never make it 9 months.
--my summer is finally planned out and will consist of the following: Italy cruise, lake of the ozarks, a play in new york, rascal flatts in concert, phil vassar and miranda lambert in concert, weddings galore, Dave Matthews concert, tons of gradation parties, more lake of the ozarks... and oh yeah, weddings galore.
--and I'm getting some wigs... i don't care if people think i'm crazy... i think it's fun

Politically Uncorrect

2006-05-05T12:08:00.000-07:00

I'm for the low man on the toedom pole
And I'm for the underdog God bless his soul
And I'm for the guys still pulling third shift
and the single mom raising her kids
And I'm for the preachers who stay on their knees
And I'm for the sinner who finally believes
And I'm For the farmer with dirt on his hands
And the soldiers who fight for this land
And I'm for the Bible
And I'm for the flag
And I'm for the working man
I'm just one of many who can't get no respect
Politically Uncorrect
I guess my opinion is all out of style
Don't get me started because i can get wild
And I'll make a fight for the four father's plan
Hell the world already knows where I stand
And I'm for the Bible
And I'm for the flag
And I'm for the working man
I'm just one of many who can't get no respect
Politically Uncorrect
Nothing Wrong with the Bible
Nothing Wrong with the flag
Nothing Wrong with the working man
We're just some of many that can't get no respect
Politically Uncorrect
Politically Uncorrect

2006-05-01T20:04:00.000-07:00

"It's a laundry mat. It's where people come to wash their clothes... and then they reuse them."
"Huh. Poor people are so clever."

Beauifully Sad

2006-04-27T12:09:00.000-07:00

There is something beautifully sad about life. All aspects of it, really. I was watching Tristan and Isolde last night (that movie is so beautifully sad) and he says this quote, "I don't know if life is greater than death. But love was more than either." I remember this quote because he mumbled it and i rewond it over and over before figuring it out. And I'm glad I did because i think it's one of the most important things he says in the whole movie. We live these lives, these busy busy lives... and then one day we die, whether suddenly or after a long life lived... we all die in the end. But our busy lives and our inevitable deaths mean nothing if we don't love. And love seriously and wholeheartedly. It's more important than anything else we do. The part about that that has gotten me lately is knowing that we can't fully love without first knowing and accepting God's love. And it's not that I haven't done that... I cling to God's love, I would be lost without it. But while I clutch it like a security blanket I can't seem to let go of... I don't appreciate it the way that I should. It's been two years since my dad died and where am I today? What have I become, what have I learned? Am I stronger because I've persevered through trials? That's what's suposed to happen right? I don't have a lot of answers, just a lot of questions. What do people see when they look at me now?
Anyway, the point is that i do believe we live and die in vain if we have not love. And I do believe we do not truly love others before we truly love and are loved by God. And I want to truly love other people. The best way possible. And I don't want my life to ever become a life ruled by time schedules and duties.... those are the "shells of life. Love is made by God." There's another Tristan and Isolde quote for you.
I guess the main point is that I alway prided myself in being an emotional person. Someone who wore their heart on their sleeve. Someone who was honest and felt things deeply and openly without being afraid of loving alone or embarassing herself. I never want to lose that part of me. I think after my dad died... the emotional part of me that was so free become somewhat guarded. and that makes me sad. As you pull away from people slowly... it slowly becomes a habit and i think you slowly close yourself off and stop being true with people and you start having shells of relationships. I don't want to be that kind of person. I want to embrace God's love... and give it to other people... and love freely. I want to be able to cry without feeling annoyed. And laugh without worrying about snorting. And smile so much my face hurts. And love without being afraid.
I don't know if life is greater than death. But love is more than either.

Slacker!!

2006-04-19T17:55:00.000-07:00

So, to all of my one faithful readers.... i have been the biggest slacker of all time when it comes to writing in my blog. but i've found some good song lyrics to fill the gap! :-) However, I thought I would give you a quick update and hopefully soon i'll get on here and write something meaningful or profound. maybe.
So, this last week I was in Florida! and now I'm itchy and peeling and have no good weather or time to keep up the little bit of lasting color i did get. But that's the only downside of the whole trip. we had a really good time. we got to go to beaches and stay in a condo and a nice hotel... and i even got to revisit some old hot spots from my trip to Fl. when I was a junior in high school. props to Master Bait and Tackle!!
Anyway, tonight is also a big night because the two hour season premiere of Alias is on!! yay! So, I hope you all are coming to watch it with me. I'll give you an update on that next time. I also got my tickets to Rascal Flatts in the mail today! that's gonna be a blast.... and i'm getting tickets to see Dave Matthews... i also have tickets to Three Days of Rain to see Bradley Cooper. So those are my summer shows I have planned so far... if you hear of any other good ones... let me know!!
As for this summer... i need some advice. I wanna spend the summer at the lake of the ozarks, but i'd also like to spend a few weeks in Scotland. what to do, what to do. if you have any thoughts. let me know.
anyway, life has been crazy with vacations, final projects in school, my mom spending a week in the hospital, my dad and uncle rodds birthday was yesterday and the aniversary of my dad's accident is coming up. So, this is a fun month and things are crazy... but i'll try and write more often. i miss everybody! i hope life slows down soon so i can see you all!!

my wish

2006-04-09T14:30:00.000-07:00

"My Wish"
I hope that days come easy and moments pass slow,
And each road leads you where you want to go,
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.
And if one door opens to another door closed,
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile,
More then anything, more then anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it,
To your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more then you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you,
and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.
I hope you never look back, but ya never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more then you take.
Oh More then anything, Yeah, and more then anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it,
To your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more then you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,Yeah, this, is my wish.

-Rascal Flatts

something's gotta give...

2006-04-07T19:23:00.000-07:00

Something's gotta give me butterflies
Something's gotta make me feel alive
Something's gotta give me dreams at night
Something's gotta make me feel alright
I don't know where it is
But something's gotta give

Bad Day

2006-03-31T21:21:00.000-08:00

Where is the moment we need at the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

My type

2006-03-29T14:21:00.000-08:00

I have a type... aren't you proud of me? I never thought I had a type but Danie pointed out that I do... see, take a look...

see, they look a lot alike. So, if you're my type... give me a call! :-)

Pictures I took of my Bro...

2006-03-23T18:12:00.000-08:00

senior variety show

2006-03-19T19:59:00.000-08:00

2006-03-12T12:10:00.000-08:00

Yesterday we sawed off a door handle...
today I went swimming in my flooded basement...
i wonder what tomorrow will hold.

oh bradley...

2006-03-11T18:44:00.000-08:00

oh bradley...
you know, they say Matthew McConaughey is the sexiest man alive but all i want to lick on him is his stomach... i want to lick bradley cooper all over. sorry if that offends anyone!! :-) Anyway, the point is... failure to launch was cute. It was really funny, i loved the boys.
got locked out of the house tonight- jay and jared sawed off the door handle. it was fun.
Well, gotta go.

Take a peek at him on Regis and Kelly-- oh how i wanted to be there.. he was so cute.
go to www.bradley-cooper.com

so much for spring break

2006-03-08T10:42:00.000-08:00

I think I'm depressed. I live on this planet no one else can seem to find. I just want to drive to NY on the spur of the moment, i just want to go see Bradley Cooper, I just want to live at the Ozarks for a few months, I just want to see movies at midnight and read all night and not always be worried about every little bitty thing- and i really wanted to say the F word right there. :-) And I could do all those things, but i don't want to do them alone, i don't want to do life by myself.. i want a partner in crime. I'm so tired of planning things, exhausting all my resources of people to come with me, and then ending up at home watching the Cosby Show and adding a depressing entry to my online blog. Oh well.

spring break

2006-03-07T16:34:00.000-08:00

so I thought I was staying home for spring break- but i decided to go to new york and try and get into regis and kelly to see bradley cooper-- i love him! so, if anyone wants to go to ny. give me a call.

Joys of Right Now

2006-03-01T12:20:00.000-08:00

The two things I have sitting right next to me that make my day perfect despite school: Pride and Prejudice DVD and tickets to see Bradley Cooper on Broadway!!

and listening to my favorite song right now just because it's fun and funny: Drunker Than Me, Trent Tomlinson

How I picture my family...

2006-02-27T12:00:00.000-08:00

And then...

2006-02-25T09:40:00.000-08:00

Good morning, everybody! I'm sitting in my movie/computer room at my new house-- eating toast and peanut butter that De and I bought ourselves, we're so domestic. I love that morning here comes only after 12 o'clock. And 12 is an early morning. I love that for us, peanut butter and jelly is a staple food and meal planning seems foreign. And I love that half of the flat surfaces in the house are covered with books (and over half of those books have already been read multiple times- by both of us). And I really love that the keys we had made for our house are ti-dye and palm tree.
Those are my thoughts for now- now I must go accomplish something. Love.

There isn't one of these lines that I would erase...

2006-02-17T13:14:00.000-08:00

You know, I was just thinking about how life's successes AND failures make us who we are. The lost and broken relationships are as much a part of us as the thriving ones we hold onto today. And the times I screwed up probably taught me a lot more than the times when I scored 100%. What I'm saying is- I don't want a perfect picture. I've learned in my art class that I'm not a really great artist. I have uneven brush strokes and not-quite-straight lines and overlapping colors--- and I realized, that's just me. That's my life-- i like the pictures I paint, but they're not perfect and they're not something everyone will like... but I'm okay with that. So, take critism well, and take suggestions to heart, and learn and grow with each mistake you make-- but don't think that you have to be perfect... because I think the not-quite-straight lines really give a person character.

The Rest is Still Unwritten...

2006-02-16T14:14:00.000-08:00

I don't have much time to write. I just got home from work and I need to clean, shower, and fix the TV before my house turns into party cove for Smallville night. I was sad last night- for whatever reason- sometimes I'm not even sure anymore... but, I felt better after I went and spent like 45 dollars on books (do i even have 45 dollars? i think not!!)... but it did make me feel better and I got some great ones. I got the Cure for the Common Life- Max Lucado; a novel called- Fashionably Late (which I always am-- late at least); the first edition of the Christy Miller collection series (i love those books!); and a magazine filled with hair styles and gossip and things I need know nothing about but enjoy reading anyway. I read the novel all last night- it was really good... it was about a girl who had a fine life and was doing the thing she loved and was getting engaged to a nice guy and then realized she was settling for everything... and she just picked up and started over and took chances and i loved it. Because so often we get caught up in the practical side of life and forget to dream and explore what's out there beyond our white picket fences... and i want to make sure I never do that. I don't want to be someone who's never satisfied- i just don't want to be that person who settles for anything more than what she dreams of. I guess in some ways that's totally impractical-- but that's just me. So in keeping with my new book purchases and my thoughts for today, here is my "life song" as of this moment....

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I start my journey with a little dream...

2006-02-11T20:41:00.000-08:00

::It's been forever since I've written. I'm not sure why. Maybe because everytime I sit down and let my fingers hover over the keyboard I start to second guess what I'm about to say. I start to get nervous about how honest I truly want to be... and then a lot of times I stretch my fingers out straight and decide to save it for another day. A day when I'm stronger. A day when I have less to confess. A day when life seems a little bit brighter- a little more interesting. A day when I can write down a little bit of me and not be afraid that someone will tear those pieces of me apart- disect them- reject them. The thing is- that's not like me. It's not like me to have those thoughts. I'm happy with who I am. I've never cared what anyone else thought-- and I still don't. But it still comes to a point where you can't take any more criticism from the people you love. I'm not second guessing the choices I've made or who I am- I'm just second guessing who I want to share all of it with. However, I also have a lot of support- and I appreciate that.
::Or maybe I'm just sad a lot lately. And I'm afraid that the more honest I start to be- the more suffocating the pain will become. When do you have time to deal with life's pains and dissapointments and still go on with the everyday things you have to do?
::Or maybe I'm tired of feeling like I have to walk on egg shells around people. Yeah, honesty is hurtful sometimes... but at least then you can deal and move on. Instead we hold back- be polite- and let it all build up inside until you feel like you want to explode! We don't have to be friends with everyone forever. Honesty reveals things. It helps cut off relationships that just shouldn't be. And strengthens relationships that are meant to be a part of your life.
::Or maybe I'm afraid that the most important relationship I have is suffering. Maybe I'm scared that talking God will always be hard after everything that's happened. Maybe it will always hurt a little. But at least hurt is a feeling- an emotional connector between us that has to heal and grow. It's just so hard- the process- the patience it requires.

:: So dream a little, dream for me in hopes that I'll remain
:: And cry a little, cry for me so I can bear the flames
:: And hurt a little, hurt for me my future is untold

Recap

2006-02-06T21:08:00.000-08:00

So, I have had zero motivation to write lately. And tonight is no different. So here's a little recap of what's going on in my life and then one of these days I'll write a real post. Heartfelt. Thought out. All of those wonderful things. Just not tonight.

In movie news: Just Like Heaven and Elizabethtown come out on DVD tomorrow (and will be great additions for our movie room collection)

Movie room??: yes, I am moving out this week. and we do have a movie room in my new house. it rocks. you'll have to come and see it.

Moving out??: yes, I am moving in with De and Christian... we're moving into Dee and Jays old house. pretty cool huh?

In book news: Dee Henderson just came out with a new book that I'm very excited to read. And I took some of my favorite books over to my new house and got them all set up on my book shelf. We don't have furniture... but my book shelves are stocked. :-) that's just me.

In school news: still hate it. always will. learning is totally overrated. and i keep missing class: oops!! But my classes aren't so bad this semester, a lot of drawing and taking pictures. Now if i could just make it to class!

In personal news: I'm testy lately. Don't push it! :-)

Fingernail polish news: pink. it's very festive. it makes my hands look tan and i feel like i'm on vacation.

In TV news: Las Vegas wasn't on tonight due live coverage of fires... so, no news of that. But, I've recently found myself addicted to 24. Keifer, he's so cute. But since 24 and Las Vegas overlap-- it's a good thing I got TIVO for Christmas.

In other news: I did something awful to a ligament in my foot and am still limping. I've grown tired of natural conversation and am thinking about starting to talk in song. Still looking for a blond wig to wear when I'm feeling blond. And a guy at school thinks I'm a drunk because i used a shot glass in art class today to hold the water I needed to dip my paint brush in (i forgot my paper cup... is it really so weird that I have a shot glass in my purse??) :-)

2006-02-06T11:51:00.000-08:00

Superbowl XL!!!

2006-02-05T15:40:00.001-08:00

GO STEELERS!!!

Still Keeping Count?

2006-01-29T21:51:00.000-08:00

Pride and Prejudice = 8 times.

I will have to tell you: you have bewitched me, body and soul, and I love... I love... I love you. I never wish to be parted from you from this day on.

2006-01-25T12:45:00.000-08:00

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when things are straight-forward, and you're told that you're loved.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you can get or discard anytime. You're feeling self centered.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

2006-01-17T11:14:00.000-08:00

Give me but one hour of Scotland, let me see it ere I die.

-William Edmondstoune Ay Toun

2006-01-11T12:26:00.000-08:00

If I fall and scrape my knee
Don't’ tell me you told me so
If I sing out of key
Don’t tell me there’s no hope
I do a lot wrong but I try
So when I get something right
Tell me

-stephanie smith

My friends- the Hotties!

2006-01-09T21:34:00.000-08:00

our virginia photo shoot... for more, check out my facebook!

My Recent Journeys

2006-01-07T15:45:00.000-08:00

"... just reading a great poem changes billions of neurons every few milliseconds. So if you're not changing with every new movie, song, book, midnight conversation, giggle and kiss, you're not really living."

Here are some experiences that have changed me lately.
Books: Anyone But You; Riona; Even Now; Can You Keep A Secret?
Movies: Troy; Pride and Prejudice; American Outlaws; America's Sweethearts; The Island; Moulin Rouge; etc, etc.
Songs: too many to name
Mignight conversations: with Kayla and De
Giggles: all the time (ask me about the car story)
Kisses: yes please.

And here's a look at the journeys I have been on:

here's my fam in st. louis

New Years Eve Party

a week in the mountains of virginia

Well, more on all my journeys and changes later! Love.

My Heiress Diary

2005-12-25T18:46:00.000-08:00

My sister and jason gave me an heiress diary for christmas-- the inscription she put inside says.."Brittany, always be a princess!" :-) I love it. These are some of my favorite quotes from the diary that I would like to share with you...

If you have nothing good to say, better tell it to people you trust.

Telling the truth is a good idea. Telling people what they want to hear is a better one.

Try not to date guys your friends have dated. It's disloyal-- but worse than that, it's unoriginal.

If your best friend lies to you, she's not your best friend. Get a new one.

Cute guys make the world go 'round.

Changing your hair length, color, and style as often as you please is a birthright of all girls.

There's nothing worse than being boring.

If you imagine that everyone's in love with you, there's a better chance they will be.

Never discuss working, working out, or working up an appetite. It's way too boring to talk about.

If people aren't nice to you, they're jealous.

The root of all evil is not money. It's boredom.

People who don't like pink aren't colorful.

Jingle Jingle

2005-12-25T12:40:00.000-08:00

Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy would one day walk on water?
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy would save our sons and daughters?
Did you know
that your Baby Boy has come to make you new?
This Child that you delivered will soon deliver you.

Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy will give sight to a blind man?
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy will calm the storm with His hand?
Did you know
that your Baby Boy has walked where angels trod?
When you kiss your little Baby you kissed the face of God?

The blind will see.
The deaf will hear.
The dead will live again.
The lame will leap.
The dumb will speak
The praises of The Lamb.

Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy is Lord of all creation?
Mary, did you know
that your Baby Boy will one day rule the nations?
Did you know
that your Baby Boy is heaven's perfect Lamb?
The sleeping Child you're holding is the Great I Am.

They sang this at the Christmas Eve service last night... and it was a weird feeling because i stopped hearing the guy singing it and i could only remember my dad singing it... i could see his face in my mind and hear his voice so clearly. That doesn't happen a lot anymore. And it made me cry.. but it made me happy because if there's one thing I remember about my dad when he sang those songs it was that he sang it with heart and truth... i've never heard anyone sing it the way he did... as though he believed it with all of his heart. And as much as he loved sining about God here... i can't imagine how it must be for him to actually sing to God.
Anyway... Christmas has been wonderful so far... the service was beautiful. Last night we played games and watched movies and got our tradtiional christmas eve pajamas.. and this morning we read the christmas story, opened presents, had a yummy breakfast and watched a movie. In a few minutes we'll head to my grandparents house... i wish we would be heading out into snow instead of rain... but oh well. :-) I got my digital camera for christmas!!! and pretty much everything else I asked for. I was spoiled rotten by everyone. Danie's gifts for me were all pink.. that was fun. and jared got me movies (i love movies!).
Anyway... i'll show off all my presents at the new years eve party, so you better all be there!
I love you guys and hope that you're having a wonderful Christmas!!!

Christmas Eve Morning

2005-12-24T02:20:00.000-08:00

So, it's 5:22 on christmas eve morning. it doesn't feel like it. but, i'm excited anyhow. Yesterday was busy busy, as today will probably be... but, it's worth it since come Christmas day I should be able to relax. And then Mon-Fri of next week i'll be taking it seriously easy in st. louis.
I'm excited that it's a white christmas... those are my favorites. I'm excited for the fires in the fireplace and smell of christmas cookies. I'm excited for new pajamas for christmas morning and reading the christmas story. This morning it all feels like it will never come, but i know that it's right around the corner.
And I'm really excited about curling up and reading the books De got me for Christmas. De, you know me so well. Having new books for vacation is so exciting to me... probably because i know i'll actually have time to read a whole new book. I've been so busy lately... i've had to settle for re-reading my favorite parts of old books--there was no time to get through a new one! :-)
I would be more deep than this, but right now I have to sleep.
So, don't forget about the New Years Eve party here! 8:00pm, new years eve. I really hope to see you all there. being out of town for so much of christmas break it might be my only chance to see everyone who is in town.
well, I'm sure I'll be on again before Christmas... but, just in case--
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

It's Wednesday already???

2005-12-21T09:43:00.000-08:00

I don't have time for this. I have a party to plan, Christmas presents to buy, 3 blankets to make, a room to paint, presents to wrap, 2 rooms to clean, a full day of work tomorrow, registering for classes, filling out my fafsa, paying my bills (yuck), and i should try and find time one of these days to make sure i'm clean and that my clothes match (oh, and some time to go and see Fun with Dick and Jane, of course). But instead, i'm eating a christmas cookie (at the computer, naughty naughty) and writing in my blog. And I sat down with the intention of writing something deep, honestly I did... but now listing out all the things that need to be done and knowing I already slept half the day away... i think i better go and get to work. Or i could go crawl into the covers on my bed that aren't made but perfectly mussed for quick entry and good sleeping... and i could lay my head on my cold, crisp pillow cases and snuggle down and sleep away the things I have to do..............

Keeping Count??

2005-12-19T16:04:00.000-08:00

Pride and Prejudice= 7 times